Struggling with a mental illness is a pain, right? I mean, the constant (or lack of) mood changes tend to drive me insane (yes, pun intended). However, I would like to thank mental illnesses. They have changed me as a person. Thank you for:

1. Allowing me to find new places to hide and cry.

From the bathroom to the history section of the library, the random spurts of helplessness have forced me to be creative with my hiding spaces. Yes, it is not bad if you cry in public. But, for me personally, I feel weird crying in public. Not that the actually crying part is awkward, but the pestering questions like "are you okay?" and "do you need a tissue?" just make me want to cry more. So, I will resort to my usual bathroom crying sessions, but thank you to the good-hearted people trying to help.

2. Making me yell at people for no reason.

Sometimes, when people ask me if I am okay every ten seconds, I tend to get more mad then sad. I see myself blowing up at people, mostly my friends, for no reason. Maybe I am trying to school them on what terrible things that could happen to them and they need to stop complaining about meaningless things, of I am trying to control what little emotions I have left. Not like I am heartless, but sympathy for someone who has lost so much is difficult to conjure up. I love my friends. That is the thing- I am always confused as to why I treat people this way. Note to friends: I love you, and I am sorry I blow up sometimes (or like a lot).

3. Pushing me away from most of the people I love.

At some point, the depression was a big turn off for my friends. They did not know how to approach me. They did not know whether to hug me or to act like everything was normal. This is the time I said goodbye to a lot of people who could not handle the new person I became. However, a lot of people stayed. These people are now my closest friends. They are there when I want to stop fighting with my mind, and they are here when my life seems like a big rainbow (okay, maybe not that cliché).

4. Making me hate myself.

When ones of those fun downward spirals happen (I hope you can sense my sarcasm through text because this is quite funny), I see that I self-hate a lot. I want to be fixed and all better, and I get mad that it is not a switch. I am mad that I cannot control what my mind thinks of first. On one of these bad days, my first thought is failure. I feel like I fail even if I succeed. I take rejection a lot harder. Even with the Odyssey, I was passed up for a position on multiple occasions. Each of these reasons being a misunderstanding and having nothing to do with my experience. But, with each of these rejections, I thought of just quitting. Why try? This though is what kills. I love writing, but my expression is deeper now, and cannot be seen by everyone until they see me in action. I am good at journalism, and I just have to remind myself of this a few times throughout this unorganized mess.

5. Stealing my mind from schoolwork.

Yeah, no, school work is definitely not happening. Yeah, I know, I need to do homework as a college student. But, when those fun downward spirals happen, I cannot bring myself to focus on the task in front of me. The last time I tried to do actual work during one of my episodes, I ended up crying in the library in front of a lot of people. Luckily, no one asked. They just stared for a bit and went on with their day. And, you know, I am a-okay with that. Let me cry and then do my chemistry homework in peace, ya know?

6. Leading me to feel out of place in most situations.

Going to college a recently traumatized person, I felt that it was very hard to sustain myself in a public place. I preferred to be isolated away from all of the new people. But, I still tried to be social. It's just that most of the time I ended up leaving without telling anyone with fear that I would have to explain myself. People probably thought that I was weird. Weird is good, right?

7. Letting me express you through writing.

This whole journey has led me to know that there are a lot of people who suffer from mental illness. They go through the same struggles as I do. This reassures me that there are people I can be completely myself with. Maybe I can actually make a difference. This notion led me to write. I write about my daily struggle. I write about the glimpses of light I see. I write for hope. I write for all of you who struggle or know someone who does.

8. Forcing me to think of myself.

Whenever I have bad days (again with those fun downward spirals!!), I tend not to take care of me. I pile a million and one things on myself before I realize too much is too much. After being diagnosed, I had to think about my daily life. I had to force myself to eat, drink, take a shower, and even brush my hair and wear something other than sweatpants. I am forced to think about the necessary things I need to be a better person.

9. Letting me meet new (and amazing) people.

Each day, I see the wonderful people around me. Going to college, I did not think I would make many friends let alone lifelong friends. But, here I am accepting that people do care about me. Even though I come off bad sometimes, I always care about them. Having a mental illness made me love differently. I love like I will lose them eventually. That just might change with the amazing people at my university. My struggles have led me to discover the most authentic people who love me for all that I am (even for my outbursts).

10. Teaching me that I can handle a lot.

This is the big one. I never thought I could handle tragedy, going to college alone, or deal with a mental illness in general. But, I am resilient. Many of us are. We know how hard it is to have a good day. So, when those days arise, we make the most of it. We tackle a lot. We search for more outlets. We survive. We live.

Not everything about mental illnesses are bad. In fact, they are beautiful. They make us who we are, and that, my friends, is beautiful.