As a Stage Manager you do a lot of things, most of them people don't even realize you do. One of these things is running auditions.

Auditions are one of the very first steps to putting on a show. If you're a Bachelor of Fine Arts Performance Major (at UWW) you're required to audition. Auditions are also open to everyone, so you have more than just the BFA Performance Majors, and you are in charge of all of them. And it's not easy, and all of these things have crossed everyone's mind at some point during the process.

1. Yes, you need to fill out the entire audition form, including your weight.

We literally need to know your life if we're going to cast you. We need everything shy of your social security number. Which happens to include, your hair color, eye color, height, vocal range, and your weight. I get that for some people it's a touchy subject, but we won't judge you for your weight. We need it for the Costume Designer so that if you get cast, we can tailor your costume to your measurement. We don't care about your weight. Please just fill out the form.

2. Borrow a pen? GIVE IT BACK. Thanks pal!

If you need to borrow a pen to fill out the form, go right a head. I brought them so you could borrow them, not take them. However if you walk away with my pen and don't give it back, I will hunt you down. As much as I may like you, I love my pens more. On top of that, there are about 30 other people in this room who need to fill out the same thing. So share, it's not just you buddy.

3. For the love of God, please read the info emails and posters.

You didn't know you were supposed to wear heals? Or that you needed to sign up ahead of time? Or that the director only has a 3 hour time slot and it first come first serve and you're a half hour late you can't audition? That sucks, pay more attention. There is literally information everywhere. You're in college, clearly you know how to read by this point, so read. Our PR person doesn't do it for the good of their health, they do it so that you can come prepared, and kill your audition.

4. You didn't come prepared? That sucks. I can't help you.

You don't have a contemporary one minute monologue? Bummer man.

You were asked to wear a dress because that's what the character wears, and you show up in slacks because you "didn't understand why you needed to wear a dress?" That sucks. There is nothing I can do for you. Maybe you think I'm a bitch because I'm telling you no, that's fine. You don't have to like me, my day does not depend on if you like me or not. It does depend on having the director see everyone's audition in a timely manor, keeping the room quiet, and cleaning up when everyone else leaves. So, once again, read the info posters. Come prepared. Stop wasting my time, because if you're wasting my time, your wasting the directors. (By the way, we mention stuff like this to the directors. So be nice to your Stage Manager, we have more pull than you think we do.)

5. I literally just asked you to be quiet 5 seconds ago. Next time I won't be so nice about it.

When you have roughly 30 people in one space, it gets noisy, even more so when it's a group of actors who are, by definition, noisy. As a stage Manager, you spend most of your time telling people to be quiet, then less than a minute later, you're doing it again. It's a vicious circle, and an annoying one. If you want to talk or go over your monologue, please, please, go out in the hallway. if you're worried about me passing over your time slot because you're not in the room, come back in and check in with me. I'll be happy to tell you who is auditioning, who is on deck, who is in the hole, and where you fall in the process. Just please be quiet so that everyone knows what is going on.

6.STOP saying you're going to mess up. You're going to do fine.

You have been obsessing about this for weeks, months even. You've gone over and over your monologue. You've picked out your audition outfit and are ready to go. Just take a deep breath and rock your monologue. How do I know you'll be fine? I've heard you rehearsing it over and over for the past month. I've answered all your questions about what to wear, and how to do your make up, and if you should even wear makeup (again, read the info posters), and if your monologue is long enough. So breath, and smile. You're as ready as you're going to be.

7. We totally judge your headshot, and creep on your resume.

We look over everything. Sometimes we judge a little more than we should, we don't mean to, it's just what happens. if we didn't look over your resume, we wouldn't be doing our jobs. If you have something on there that you're uncomfortable with me reading, then you're uncomfortable with the director reading it, and maybe you should take it off then. #sorrynotsorry

8. I really hope that (insert name here) gets cast. I love working with them.

We all have our favorites, and if we were in charge of casting they would always be in our shows. Here's why we love them, they're on time, they're fun to be around but when needed can be serious, they respect us (which is harder to come by than you would think), they take our notes about lines and blocking with out fighting us. Along with a million other reasons. So we cross our fingers, and pray that they get in because they make things a little easier, and a little more fun.

9. For the 5th time, NO, I do not know when the cast list will be posted.

Want to know a secret? Stage managers are just as anxious for the cast list to be posted as you. So take a breath, and relax. When I know, you'll know. Sometimes it's posted right away. Sometimes, it might take two weeks. If you get cast I'll email you, and I'll post it on the audition board. So please, don't ask me 5 times in 2 hours, auditions aren't even over yet.

And finally,

10. As stressed out and annoyed as I am, I love everyone in this room.

Here's another secret. as crazy as all of you people make me, I love you. You're my family and I wouldn't trade you for the world. I want you to do well, I want you to get into my show. Sometimes, I really want you to be quiet, but I'm super proud of you. I am one of your biggest supporters because that's what family does. They drive each other crazy, and love and support one another.

So please, come prepared, take a breath, and you'll do great. Everything will work out exactly how it's supposed to.