10 Things Depressed People Wish You Knew

10 Things Depressed People Wish You Knew

It's not because we're "not trying hard enough" — and it is not glamorous.

1. It's not because of other people.

Depression is a knot in MY heart that, although may have been made heavier by the strain of bad relationships, has resided there for quite awhile. What I need from people I love is for them to understand that they are not the reason why I am depressed. What they do and do not do does not make or break my depression.

2. And...there is almost never a “reason.”

I definitely know my spells of blues are often set off by certain triggers... But ultimately these triggers are not what cause my depression, or necessarily what I am depressed about. I honestly usually do not know what causes it. It just is.

3. Tasks that should be easy and painless are exhausting.

Getting ready for work feels like climbing a fucking mountain, and actually going to work, well, that's Mt. Everest. Going out? That gets old pretending to have a good time, when I'm really just fucking tired. But I go out anyway, because I must try.

4. My depression affects every area of my life.

It affects my relationships, my family, my jobs, my grades, my weight...

I have to make a conscious effort not to push the people I love away because I feel so undeserving of them...That would not be fair to them or to me.

Work and school are made increasingly difficult... the ability to concentrate is watered down by the dark cloud over my head.

I constantly gain and lose weight because of my change in eating habits. Sometimes I do not eat enough, sometimes I eat way too much.

5. I am always on a pursuit for temporary fixes and distractions.

This is not necessarily a bad thing. I have met some neat people on my pursuits. I have had some fun times on my pursuits.

And in these pursuits of temporary happiness, a sense of hope often arises within me that perhaps I'll find something a little more permanent.

The problem is that I usually don't.

I want to fix myself independently. Maybe this is a problem.

6. I always feel heavy and tired.

I am sluggish and slow. I feel like I'm treading through water all day.

7. Things that are normally important to me don't seem to matter. This breaks my heart.

I used to love so many things. I know somewhere deep inside of me that I still love these things...but with my depression, I literally just do not care. News that should be exciting and wonderful gives me no reaction. It seems that I am always disinterested and distant. Contrary to how it may appear, this hurts me and I WANT to care. I try to care.

8. It kicks me when I'm up.

When things seem to be getting better, I am almost seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, my depression sneaks in again. It is something I must constantly fight in order to try and maintain that little bit of happy.

9. It makes me bizarrely emotional to see other people happy, because I so intensely miss the beauty of happiness.

Every time I go to church and see a cute little family or a happy old lady, I literally weep once I get into my car after mass- I sob...ugly cry, drool, snot, the whole nine yards. I am not sad because it is sad, I am sad because it is beautiful, I am sad because I remember when seeing such things gave me such a profound amount of joy.

10. Contrary to how it may sometimes appear, I am ALWAYS trying to be happy.

Sometimes, the bare minimum is more than enough...I must acknowledge the bare minimum's strength and sparkle, because it is a step above nothing which is where giving up boldly resides.

And sometimes, when the annoying girl next to me is complaining that she got a B on ONE fucking test, I just have to breathe and pat myself on the back that I even WENT to class that day.

And sometimes, even when I want no one to look at me, I demand that they do (via red lipstick and cute shoes) because I used to think that I deserved it.

And sometimes, when I feel very dark and think "what's the fuckin point anyway?" when it's the time of night where I'm supposed to take my medicine, I swallow that Zoloft whole.

And sometimes, even when I've found that it is redundant and I would rather do just about any other activity, I make myself go to therapy anyway.

I am ferociously working on finding the light.
"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swamps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists... it is real... it is possible... it's yours.” - Ayn Rand, "Atlas Shrugged"
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I Refuse To Apologize For Putting My Mental Health Before My Education

It's OK to not be OK.

I’ve been in college for a long time now. By the time I receive my undergraduate degree I will be 24 going on 25. Some days I think about this and I feel defeated, like I’m far behind where I wanted to be in my life. Then I remember why I’m so far behind and I feel a little bit better about it.

I’ve struggled with various mental illnesses for a large portion of my life. Over the past 10 years at least. It’s been a daily struggle and somedays I can get out of bed and face the day and be perfectly fine, but there are days when I can’t function. AND THAT’S OKAY.

I used to beat myself up for missing a class or having to call into work because I just couldn’t do life that day. As I’ve gotten older I’ve let myself realize that you have to take care of yourself in whatever way works for you. If that means that you have to stay in bed for three days and sleep, then do that and when you feel more yourself face the world and get your life together.

Mental health days have proven to be so important to my life and successfully functioning as a part of society. Yes, maybe it’s taken me a bit longer to get through certain parts of my life, but I’ve moved at a pace that works for me and when I’m finally finished with this chapter of my life I’ll be able to say that I came out happy and healthy and functional.

College is hard. It’s hard for healthy people and it’s definitely hard for those who struggle with any sort of illness, mental or physical.

Over the past 10 years I have come to terms with what my illnesses mean. I can’t be like everyone else all the time and I can’t just pretend everything is fine. The more I tried to ignore my problems, the larger my problems became. In this case ignorance IS NOT bliss, it’s a death sentence.

Everyone in this world will struggle with something at some point in their life and if you’re anything like me you’ll put on a brave face and say that you’re fine…for a while. But there is no shame in not being okay. You can’t be okay all that time. To quote my favorite show, Grey’s Anatomy, “Not everybody has to be happy all the time. That’s not mental health; that’s crap!”

Take that day off. Stay in bed. Eat that junk food that you never let yourself have. Cry. Scream. Drive until you don’t remember why you weren’t okay in the first place. Do whatever it is you need to do to feel okay (within reason. Please don’t do anything unhealthy). Accept that it is okay not to be okay and show the world that, yeah maybe you’re a hot mess, but you’re handling it and you’ll come out better than ever because you took the time to sort out your crap and maintain your mental health instead of rushing through it to please society.

So maybe I’ll be in my 30’s before I finish school, but that’s okay because I’m healthy-ish, I’m happy-sorta, and I did what I needed to do to succeed in my own life and I refuse to apologize for that.

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When you start feeling depressed, you kind of go into a downward spiral.

I stare at the wall

It will never move

But I stare intently

As if it might

I can’t breathe

I feel like I’m drowning

But I can’t even save myself

I’m swimming in an ocean

With all my strength

But it’ll never be enough

I’m going to drown

Now it’s a matter of when

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