Getting the 2 a.m. phone call from your friends asking you to pick them up from the bars never fails to be an interesting experience. As the designated driver, you’re required to handle multiple drunk people, DJ to a multitude of music tastes and manage to not get pulled over. Along the ride, you typically hear a plethora of drunken statements and questions. Here are some of the reoccurring statements I’ve heard during my time as a DD.

1.“I’m SO drunk.”


This is the preceding statement to a string of slurred “I love yous" and “thank you so much for picking us ups.”

2. “[Insert Name Here] is dead!"

Okay, the person probably isn’t actually dead, but they are passed out taking up two seats in the already packed car (including the trunk if the drunken chariot is an SUV), drooling on your best friend’s new crop top.

3. “Can we roll the windows down?”

No, we can’t because then you will proceed to yell belligerent nonsense out the window at the group of police officers regulating the drunken crowds.

4. “Close the door. Now.”

This one comes from the DD themselves, because, since the child lock is now permanently on the windows, obviously the logical thing to do is open the doors and yell. This all happens while you’re navigating down the street full of drunken bar hoppers.

5. “Can we get Taco Bell?”

This question is answered with a chorus of agreement to what seems to be the best idea since sliced bread.

6. “I’m gonna puke!”

This is crunch time for the DD. It is essential that you whip the car over to the side of the road, unless you want to be cleaning puke stains out of the upholstery of your car for the next week.

7. “Can you change the song?”

Nobody agrees on a song. Period.

8. *sobbing*

Okay, so this isn’t actually a statement or question, but more of a muffled noise coming from your friend who drank too much boxed wine and is currently texting her ex.

9. “Where’s my credit card?”

Yes, they left it at the bar. Yes, you need to turn around to go get it.

10. “Can you drop me off first?”

WWIII: Who gets dropped off first?

At the end of the ride, you end up with a group of gracious friends and a good story for the next morning when you pick your friends up so they don’t have to do the dreaded walk of shame.