Anxiety is a unique disorder. Unlike some other mental disorders, anxiety will never go away. It is a life-long battle that never ends. If you are unfortunate enough to be suffering with anxiety then first off, I'm sorry, and secondly, you are STRONG! Most people think that having an anxiety disorder makes you weak. We are often called worriers or over-reactors. We are weak because of our disease. Some people will even go as far as to try and coddle or shelter us in attempt to help but in most cases this method doesn't work. Sometimes it can even make things worse. As people that suffer with anxiety we did not choose our disease, and if we could rid ourselves of it or stop the thoughts from taking over our minds we would faster than a heartbeat. But we can't. Anxiety comes in all different forms; some more severe than others. But, no matter what type of anxiety a person has there are several phrases that we NEVER want to hear, and typically do not help us cope.
1. "You just need to breathe."
Anxiety sufferers often feel suffocated by the weight of anxiety. The constant worrying and thinking about the next step sits in the back of our heads like a ticking clock. When it gets too much and we have a panic attack, or even just a meltdown, the first thing people will generally say is "just breathe." Granted that we actually, in that moment, are probably either hyperventilating or not breathing well, this seems like a logical thing to say; however, to someone in the throes of a panic attack, hearing someone say that we just need to breathe DOES NOT help us. If we could breathe then we wouldn't be panicking in the first place.
2. "That's not going to happen."
Anxiety sufferers tend to think of every possible outcome to a situation and how to avoid all the bad outcomes at all costs. Most of the time anxiety sufferers will think of something outrageous that COULD happen but is a one-in-a-trillion possibility. Telling us that these outcomes will not happen doesn't stop us from thinking that they might. We will continue to think “what if this time it does happen?” or “but what if it does?” It is almost impossible to convince a person with anxiety that the outcomes in their minds are not going to happen because to us there is ALWAYS a chance.
3. "You're just overthinking it."
Yeah, we know that already, but hearing you say it still doesn't stop us from thinking it. Anxiety sufferers usually know that they are thinking up all the worst case scenarios and are way over-analyzing a situation. But, that is the nature of anxiety. It's what we do and we can't stop. If we could, we would.
4. "Just chill," "Take a chill pill," or "Just calm down."
This is probably the worst phrase to tell a person with anxiety. Though it seems plausible to say this we have the same reaction as we do when people say that we are overthinking it. We know that we need to be calm and stop worrying but we can't.
5. "It will be OK."
If you say this while we are trying to convince you that one of our possible outcomes might actually happen then this phrase just pisses us off. We are trying to tell you that it WILL NOT be okay and when you say it will we feel like you are not listening to us.
6. "Trust me."
This phrase doesn’t help us simply because most people with anxiety have underlying trust or control issues. We don’t trust anything or anyone, that is why we worry all the time. We don’t trust the people around us or even the world to keep spinning some days. Trust is hard to come by with us and we don’t trust you anymore than we already did just because you tell us to.
7. "It's all in your head."
This might be true but our anxiety and the things we think are VERY REAL to us. Though anxiety is sort of all in a person’s mind it doesn’t make us feel better or worry any less to hear people say this.
8. "Stop overreacting."
Yeah, we wish we could. Believe me. If we could stop thinking about every possible bad thing that could happen, we would. If we could not be dramatic about a situation and blow everything way out of proportion, we would! If we could not lay awake at night for hours thinking about all the horrific things that could happen to us while we are sleeping, we would. But WE CAN’T! No matter how much we want to.
9. "It's not a big deal, just do it."
Okay so if you are trying to convince a person with anxiety to do something spontaneous or something that maybe they are afraid to do, it does not help to minimize the situation. You shouldn’t blow it up because we are already doing that, but minimizing it doesn’t help either. Just walk us through it. People with anxiety need to know what the plan is and exactly what will happen and when. So instead of telling us to just do it, take us step by step. Tell us what to do first, what to expect. We are typically more accepting of this than we are if you just tell us to do it.
10. "So what?
Typically, this phrase comes up when we are trying to tell you all the possible things that could happen in a situation. By saying this to us you are minimizing the situation. To us, you are saying if our outcome does happen then its whatever. To you it might be; to us any variation to the set plan throws us off balance. As anxiety sufferers we are not up for spontaneity and we have to have a plan. The plan has to work or we can’t handle it.
Living with anxiety is a constant struggle between wanting to live our lives, and being afraid of what might happen if we do. We worry that we are letting life slip by because we are too afraid yet at the same time we feel safe in the our fear. We feel comfort because we know that if we don't take any risks then we might be able to have some level of control over our lives and how they turn out. We struggle every day with the possibility that today will be the day that something HORRIBLE finally happens and maybe this time we won't see it coming. We know that we should live life but we are suffocated by the constant weight of the bad stuff that we think up in our minds. Eventually we stop trying to rid ourselves of it and we start embracing it. Anxiety becomes our friend and we live with it. We surrender to it's burden and we give up. Fighting anxiety off becomes too much for us, so instead we go quietly into it's embrace and live there. Anxiety is our monster, our chains that we can't break free from.
