2014 is coming to an end, which means pretty soon every other Facebook status will be something along the lines of "New Year, new ME!" Yes, New Year's resolutions are upon us. We all make them, we all break them. I'll decide to give up caffeine and then break down two hours later as I pass by Dunkin' Donuts, because like, one iced coffee won't hurt, right? We'll decide to hit the gym more often but end up saying "nah," because we're a little too invested in our Netflix marathons.
Making resolutions for ourselves is hard, but there are plenty of resolutions I wish I could force upon other people. For example:
1. Dear extended family: Your 2015 Resolution will be to stop asking me so many questions, please. No, I still don't have a boyfriend, thanks for constantly reminding me. College is going fine. Yes, my classes are hard. No, I don't know what I'm going to do with my life in the future ... I'm still waiting to see how my plans on marrying rich pan out.
2. Dear boys: Stop whining about high-waisted shorts. As if we're really going to take fashion advice from the gender who thought cargo shorts were okay ...
3. Dear high school "friends": Chill out with all of the baby pictures, please. It's really starting to freak me out that people my age are already settling down and having children ... and I still can't really figure out how to keep a plant alive.
4. Dear pizza delivery guy: Your resolution will be to stop looking around my apartment for other people. The pizza is all for me. Yep, the cheesy bread, too. Do not judge.
5. Dear Beyoncé: Stop being so #flawless. You may "wake up like that," but the rest of us wake up in last night's makeup and with morning breath, okay?
6. Dear professors: Can your resolution be to have mercy? Next time you think about assigning an essay, ask yourself, "Is it Sunday Funday? Is it Lady's Night? Karaoke Night? Thirsty Thursday? Happy Hour? Free cover?" If the answer is yes to any of those things, just say no to homework.
7. Dear iPhone front-facing camera: Your resolution is to cooperate with me once in a while. How is it possible I can be a 10 in the mirror and a 2 in a selfie? What's the point of good lighting if you can't behave?
8. Dear every puppy/kitty ever: Just let me pet you. That's literally it. College is hard and sometimes you just need to pet a cute animal.
9. Dear liquid eyeliner: I'm trying to achieve the perfect cat eye, not perform open heart surgery. Your resolution is to be easier to use. Please.
10. Dear parents: I love you. You're the best. Thanks for like, giving me life and stuff. Your resolution is to have pity on your child and send a little more money my way. Chipotle isn't free, guys.