It's that time of the year again: the time in which we spend exorbitant amounts of money to show our loved ones that we actually care about them. But, there's only so many gifts that really say "I love you." So, in light of the holiday cheer and ridiculous amounts of consumerism this December, I've compiled a list of the must-get Christmas gifts that'll put the "gift" back into "Oh, you shouldn't have!"
1. Some wolf urine
For that special someone who needs some wolf urine in their lives, this is gift giving at its very finest.
2. Uranium ore
Give your gift receiver powers similar to Godzilla! Ever since America was founded over 10,000 years ago, we've been constantly innovating and improving upon our vigorous consumerist culture; this gift radiates with our proud achievement in accomplishing such a task.
3. A shower curtain
Featuring Jeff Goldblum and a gorilla. For when you need that extra guardian angel in your life, look no further than to Jeff Goldblu- er, a picture of Jeff Goldblum! Batteries not included.
4. I guess it's unicorn meat...
Can't be too sure, though. You never know what the meat industry pumps into those animals anymore. The ghost of Upton Sinclair echoes, "It's contaaaaaaminateeeeeeddddddd..."
5. That big piece of junk from that one George Lucas film!
Travel the roads in style...and illegally! Because this thing is illegal to drive! Better find a sand dune to take this heaping pile of scrap!
6. This Nicholas Cage Pillowcase
Let Nicolas Cage watch over your loved one as you sleep with this sensual pillowcase. Surprise your lover with a little spice-up of the bedroom. Trust me--it's worth it.
7. Give the gift of a highway to your loved ones!
Originally created in case of an attack from those damn commies, highways have been an incredible source of speeding tickets, road rage, and traffic jams. Surprise that special someone in your life with a piece of cement!
8. Rawr ;)
Enough said.
9. Glow-in-the-dark toilet paper
For those late nights where light switches aren't an option. No more tripping down the staircase to get to the bathroom! Let the toilet paper be your guide to the throne.
10. Are cavities an option?
If so, consider this absurdly large bag of gummy bears! What better way is there to waste your hard-earned cash on multiple trips to the dentist for tooth decay caused by eating this entire bag of gummy bears? Warning: may cause exorcisms.