The human irrationality is a strange thing. It checks and balances for the rationale because while our rationale tend to guide us to the safer, more logical choices, how boring would life be if we always picked what was safe and logical? But then, our heart’s content sometimes make us fall in love with things that make our brain go, “F*** this, I’m out” (which explains a lot of relationships I know, but anyway.) Those of us who love cars tend to fall into this trap more often than others because let’s be honest here, we never make decisions with our rationale when it comes to cars. I have collected 10 cars that we should stay as far away from as possible, but never do.
1. TVRs
If you’re American, you’re probably be thinking, “I’ve never heard of that company.” If you’re British, you’re thinking, “How dare you say TVRs are horrible!” TVR was a small British sports car manufacturer that was famous for making great sports cars... if they started, that is. TVRs were always less reliable compared to their main rivals like Porsche and Nissan. Also, if you didn’t know how to tame it, they would try to kill you.
But if you know what you’re doing, TVRs were very, very special (they certainly looked it) and it’s why car enthusiasts love them so much. Think about it, you wouldn’t mind a guy/girl who’s a bit cranky and high-maintenance if they were absolute blast at parties, would you?
2. Dodge Viper/Viper ACR
Ever since the release of first-generation in 1992, the Viper achieved its legendary status because it was probably safer to play with an actual pit viper than to drive a Viper. If I said the TVRs were terrible because it tried to kill you, the Viper tried to eviscerate you. The cockpit will roast and deafen you, and even with all new federally mandated electronic safety aids like traction control and stability control in the newest model, you could easily screw up and die. One person nicely described the Viper as “an axe murderer with headlights and no straints. It willingly whispers into your ear, ‘I’m gonna kill you to death’.”
But then again, what do you expect from a car that has thebiggest engine of all production cars? Us enthusiasts love the Viper the same reason why we loved TVRs; sure, they are dangerous, but they are extremely exciting and downright fast if you got it right. So fast, in fact, the track-special Viper ACR holds quickest lap times in 13 different racetracks across the world. The Dodge Viper then, is the automotive remake of Quentin Tarantino films; violent, brash, over-the-top and outright fantastic for it. Shame then, that it’s going away soon.
3. Dodge Ram SRT-10
So as Dodge was making the insane Viper, some brilliant lunatic at Dodge headquarters thought, “We should shove the Viper’s engine into our pickup truck and see what happens!” So they shoved the largest engine in a production car into a Ram 1500 and behold, the Ram SRT-10. Mistakes were made. First, they made it rear-wheel drive, so the rear wheels had to handle all 500 horsepowers from a Viper engine with major components skewing most of its bulk to the front; you may as well put a 10 year-old on a wheelchair and make him try wrestling John Cena. Also, it didn’t turn because, well, it’s a damn pickup truck. Also, its city mpg was nine miles per gallon. Not 19, nine.
The Ram SRT-10 is a prime example of what happens when you give insane engineers a boatload of cash and a massive V10 engine; it was a metal embodiment of lunacy and excess for the 21st century ‘Murica. This was a Michael Bay movie on wheels, and we love it.
4. Mazda RX-7
The Mazda RX-7 remains one of the best modern sports cars ever built thanks to its curvaceous design, balance, handling and the legendary Wankel rotary engine. The Wankel design was unlike any other car engine design, and it allowed the twin-turbo 1.3-liter engine in the RX-7 to produce 276 horsepowers, meaning that this 17 year-old engine--smaller than that in a Ford Fiesta--produced just as much power as a new Porsche Cayman. No wonder it has a cult following. Did I mention they were also very responsive and easy to control?
Ironically, the Wankel engine--as wonderful as it was--is also the reason why it ended up here as well. They were notorious for seal failures, excessive oil consumption, poor fuel economy and terrible emissions which were inherent flaws in Wankel engines. These flaws should’ve driven car enthusiasts away. Even Mazda, who did the Wankel longer and better than anybody else, gave up on the design in 2012 because of these issues. But we still love the RX-7 and the Wankel rotary that powered it because they were so unique, fantastic to drive and sounded like this.
5. Lamborghini Countach
Driving a classic Italian supercar sounds like perfection. After all, plenty of non-car enthusiasts appreciate a good classic cars. So you’d imagine that driving a 1970s Lamborghini Countach would be like drinking finely aged wine. Wrong. First of all, it’s an old Italian car, so good luck at getting it started. Then, you have to remember the fact that this car is from an era when they thought disco and glitter jackets were cool, so it had--well, let’s be kind here--let’s say quirks. The visibility was atrocious, the cabin felt cramped even if you were Tom Cruise, the steering and the clutch pedal were about as cooperative as a Soviet spy and the windows only opened halfway, which was a problem during a hot day because old Lamborghini air conditioning was about as powerful as being coughed on by an asthmatic mouse.
As horrible it may seem now, though, the Countach was an incredibly fast car during its time, and look at it. It had a sonorous V12, and it looks mad, flamboyant and yet beautiful altogether. Exactly like how a supercar should be.
6. Lancia Montecarlo
Do you remember me saying that old Italian cars were unreliable? Well, the Lancia Montecarlo took it a one step further, so much so that its Wikipedia entry has a dedicated section of “Issues.” If you so much as looked at the brake pedal, the front wheels would lock up and completely disable the steering. Thankfully, Lancia looked into problem very seriously, and even suspended production for two years whilst looking for a solution. The solution: remove the brake servo... which meant that it now had the same braking power as cheese. And then, if you left it outside on a humid day, it will rust down to a heap of iron powder.
But it was a great mid-engined sports car, a Ferrari for the common man, if you will. In its day, it was praised for its capabilities (except for stopping) and even by modern standards, it looks absolutely gorgeous.
7. Ford Mustang Fox Body
Yes. This had a Mustang badge on it. The last two cars in this list were largely forgivable of their sins because they looked so, so pretty. But this? This looks like a diabetic bullfrog. Ford executives in the 80’s must’ve been coked up beyond the limits of the universe to have the audacity to call this a Mustang. Was it a good performance car? No. The top-of-the-range 4.9 liter V8 engine was so weak, Ford managed to make the 4-cylinder turbo model faster than it and its handling was about as solid as a month-old celery. But we still love the Fox body Mustangs for one reason: it’s a perfect blank canvas.
The Fox Mustang is a great platform for modification and tuning; there are plethora of make-it-even-faster bits in the market because it’s a Ford Mustang and it was mechanically simple so you could work on it in your own garage if you were so inclined. The Fox is still a darling among muscle car enthusiasts, many of whom transformed this mediocre car to an exquisite driving machine.
8. Lotus Elise/Exige
To normal people, there is simply no reason to buy the Lotus Elise/Exige. It’s made by a tiny company in England, the interior is cramped, it’s about as well-equipped as a cave (no aux cord here, millennials,) its airbag system is so antiquated the U.S government banned the cars altogether, and in order to get out of it, you have to crumple yourself. To normal people, these are unacceptably too much sacrifices for a sports car; there are so many choices of sports cars that you don’t have to feel like you’re in a 1880’s prison to be fast. It’s true, just look at the Porsche 911.
But to the enthusiasts, the Lotus Elise/Exige is the last of the pure performance sports cars. We don’t want 15,322 speakers and a fancy audio system weighing our nimble sports car, we want to hear the engine; we don’t want safety nannies and “smart” airbags, two will suffice; we don’t want our Facebook and Twitter popping up on the screen, what do you think made us want to come out for a drive in the first place? These Lotuses represent the time when driving was nothing but a great engine, a steering wheel, a smooth manual gearbox without the interruption of 73 electronic “performance aids”.
9. Alfa Romeo 4C
Don’t bother denying it, I saw you drooling. That being said, though, this is a gorgeous sheet metal. The new Alfa Romeo 4C is a new generation of ultra-lightweight sports cars like the previous Lotuses, going to the extremes like utilizing carbon fiber chassis and lightweight metals to pursuit the purest driving experience. Alfa Romeo was so obsessed with cutting down weight, they gave the 4C a jean pocket for a trunk, unassisted steering (good luck parallel parking,) diabolical stereo and cabin so small and cramped, even the American prison system would call it unacceptable. The cost of all this misery? $55,900; same as the Porsche 718 Cayman or the Chevrolet Corvette
Those two would be much less punishing alternatives, but there are very, very good reasons why I would take the 4C over those two in a heartbeat. First, it’s absolutely beautiful, and second, this is the last truly organic sports car the human race is going to see. Cars are becoming more and more digital and robs the engagement of driving, which is all that matters in a sports car. The 4C has manual steering and electronic aids that can be fully disabled, and no car in the future is going to be allowed to have those features. Then, there is the carbon fiber chassis tub, and the kind of cars that has carbon fiber chassis are cars like the Ferrari 488 GTB, McLaren 650S, Porsche 918 Spyder and Formula 1 racing cars, cars cost multiple times more than the 4C. Carbon fiber tub is crucial because carbon fiber is three times stronger than steel while three times lighter, allowing the car to be much safer while being much lighter, and lighter is good in any car. It's such a good combination of driving purity and beauty and I want one, quite badly.
10. Citroën 2CV
It had nine horsepowers, same as a new pressure washer; it had garden benches for seats. It was slow, noisy and if you got in a crash, they’d have to sweep you off the road. And when it cornered, it leaned harder than Michael Jackson in his Smooth Criminal music video.
But for France, the 2CV means something. It served as a cheap mode of transportation for people of war-torn France who worked day in and day out to rebuild their home after the devastation of World War II. But what good was the 2CV if its occupants couldn’t have a spot of lovely picnic on a sunny weekend with some fine wine and pastries? It was French, after all. So the garden benches for seats could be taken out to be used as actual garden benches. The 2CV had other charming qualities as well; the ride was apparently sublime for its time, it looks quite cute, and its fabric roof was removable so it was, essentially, a convertible family car. How many of those do you see every day? The 2CV is an old cheap car that still has plenty of history and charm, the same thing that made the VW Beetle and the Fiat 500 icons that they are today. And because of this, the 2CV tingles our inner hipster quite badly. But if it tingled your inner hipster so bad that you actually want one of these, do not worry, because Citroën made 8.8 million 2CVs.