As I wrote about a couple of weeks ago, there are a plethora of amusing Onion headlines out there that perfectly describe the UVA experience. From wanting to literally trample the Duke basketball team on the court to being unsure of how a December graduation actually works, The Onion has done a great job over the years of encapsulating the spiritual truth of the college experience.

However, I do think there's many UVA-related topics that it hasn't quite exhausted in terms of material. Because UVA has such a vibrant culture, it has many distinctive features that deserve to be celebrated, as well as mocked in the form of Onion-style headlines that I just made up.

1. "Student Facing 25 Years To Life For Saying 'Campus' Instead Of 'Grounds'"

I don't know that there is actually a legal punishment for making this rookie mistake at Mr. Jefferson's University, but with the way people recoil in horror at the sound of "campus" uttered anywhere around UVA, you'd think that it was a criminal offense. From the muted groans whenever a guest speaker says "campus," to the peppy orientation leaders informing their groups that "everyone says 'Grounds' here, remember!" you really can't escape this entrenched lingo anywhere you go.

2. "Yearly 'Block Party' Just An Excuse To Throw Thousands Of Red Solo Cups Into The Street"

I've only been to Block Party once, but my lasting memory from that fated journey onto Wertland was of cups and party trash is just strewn everywhere. UVA makes a big deal about sustainability and reducing waste, and I wish there was a way to bring this to the party scene as well so that walking around Wertland and 14th Street on a weekend doesn't feel like I am in the gross future Earth from Wall-e.

3. "Comm School Student Spends Entire Internship Paycheck On 'Business Professional' Attire"

I've had to dress up business-casual and business-professional for many a Comm School event this year, and I genuinely get that our professors want us to practice presenting ourselves well in any situation. However, I do think sometimes they overdo it on the "required formal attire" juuuuust a bit. I sure am glad that I made a trip to Belk last fall to purchase three versions of the exact same shirt that I can rock under any blazer.

4. "New Dining Hall Station Accommodates Students Allergic To Their Daily Responsibilities"

Though I'm not exactly sure what this station would consist of, food-wise, it would probably be better than some of the meals I've had in UVA dining halls. It's also funny how many conversations I've overheard in dining halls have revolved around students "having so much work that they just don't feel like doing" or "classes that they want to skip." The classic UVA way, I think, is to use the dining hall as a safe space to vent about all this, then leave and actually get everything done on time like you're supposed to.

5. "First-Year Student Officially Doomed Because He Didn't Get Into Guides, A Capella, Or Honor"

Unfortunately, because UVA students are so passionate about many things and often love to get involved in extracurriculars right away, it can seem like the only route to success as a first year is to immediately gain admittance to several "classic UVA" organizations. One thing that's important to remember as a first year is that though some things at UVA may be competitive to get in to, everything happens for a reason and there truly is a place for everyone here if you're willing to search for it.

6. "Annoying Theater Purist Upset To Learn That 'Shakespeare On The Lawn' Does Not Actually Perform On The Lawn"

I distinctly remember feeling a bit miffed that this cool-sounding outdoor theater troupe was in fact just a CIO that performed in the SAB like every other student theater group. Having gained some, albeit minimal, wisdom since then, I now appreciate that SOTL's name is based on the NYC institution of "Shakespeare In The Park" and that they did used to perform on the Lawn, apparently.

7. "Thrill-Seeking Architecture Student Suggests Redesigning The Rotunda, Is Immediately Expelled"

I highly doubt that anyone has ever pitched this as an idea for their Studio project. Still, I would be curious to know if any A-Schoolers have come up with clever ways to renovate and re-think any buildings on Grounds over the years, or if there were any students closely involved with the Rotunda restoration that actually did suggest ways for it to be improved.

8. "New University Policy Requires You To Earn a 100% To Get An A In Any Class"

Before I came to college, I had no idea what an A- was. I was familiar with the good old "90% is an A," or better yet, "89.5% is an A" policy from high school, and I was dismayed to find out that in college you have to get at least a 93% to get an A. What I did not know is that several classes I've taken at UVA only give you an A if you get a 95% in the class. And unless you're truly a genius, it's really hard to get a 95% in most college classes. That's why a well-earned A- can be a really beautiful thing.

9. "A Capella Council Welcomes New Nudist Group That Performs Entirely Naked At All Times"

To my knowledge, no group at UVA goes quite this far with their stripping traditions. But it is 2018 after all, and UVA's a capella audiences are pretty hip to the occasional shirt-removal or robe-swinging routine. It's only a matter of time before a group comes around whose primary audience members are the dedicated streakers tearing across the Lawn every weekend.

10. "Daring First Year Sanctioned By The Honor Committee For Stealing All Of The Nickels At Convocation"

I remember sweatily walking over to Convocation with my dorm, thinking that the school would probably only remind us about Thomas Jefferson a few times, and sitting down to find Jefferson's face emblazoned on a coin beneath my chair. I'd love to see the budget for Convocation, which inevitably has a line every year devoted to hundreds of dollars of "Convocation nickels." Perhaps at graduation, they leave Jefferson-faced checks under every chair that reimburse students for any classes they didn't like.

Though these article titles may be fake, like any well-intentioned piece of comedy I think they come from a place of truth. As I think many UVA students would agree with, if you really love something, you have no problem making fun of it from time to time.

However, I am truly glad that I can get an A in a class without needing a 100% average, and that saying "campus" isn't actually a criminal offense.