We all know we've thought about an inter-house beer pong competition. The intramural ideas that might bring the fun back to Greek sports.

There are plenty of things that I missed about school while I am relegated to living in a prison with my parents staying at home over the summer, like seeing my friends often and learning cool new things in class and even consistently feeling like I still want to exist. One part of the school year I’ve really missed is competing in intramurals, partly because I enjoy competing against others and playing on a team, but mostly because I need an excuse to release aggression, like a violent verbal explosion on a helpless and tremendously underprepared and underpaid intramural referee. It’s not personal, I promise, but it is part of the game.

Intramurals are great and many students enjoying competing in that venue, but they can be improved. Basketball, flag football, soccer, and softball are all great events that they university puts on for us, uh, less-gifted athletes, but I have come up with a handful of new events and ideas that I believe would make intramurals better for everyone.

Low Goal Basketball           

Plenty of talented young men forgo promising opportunities to play college basketball and come to OU instead. On any given day, handfuls of guys that can shoot, defend, and dunk with the best of them play pick-up at the Huff. They make life miserable for us all. Give those guys a league of their own, and give the rest of us another league—one with an 8-foot goal.       

I have a dream that one day I, too, will be able to play above the rim in a league with other white guys who cannot jump. I have a dream that I will someday have the freedom to not stand on the 3 point line and cry helplessly for the basketball, to play without fear of getting everything I shoot inside of 22 feet sent violently back to half-court. I have a dream that I could throw down a monster dunk on the break without rolling over in bed to check what time it is on my iPhone. I dream of a league of opportunity, of fairness, of equality. Dunks at last, dunks at last, thank you low-goal basketball, we can dunk at last.

Bowling             

Everyone is already thinking it, so I’ll say it: there is not a sport more perfect for intramural competition than bowling. It is a sport invented for people who want to compete, but refuse to walk more than 15 steps at a time. Wait, so you are telling me that there is a sport that allows competitors to sit for 69% of actual gameplay, roll a ball twice down some oily wooden lanes attempting to knock stuff over, and you could eat a plate of nachos while doing it? Bowling was made for guys who used to be good at stuff but just aren’t anymore. You can even heckle opponents from your own seat while waiting your turn, because the only thing that is more important in intramural competition than being tremendously lazy is talking a whole bunch of shit.               

Also, two words: Pete Weber. Professional bowler. Indoor sunglasses. Raving lunatic. American Hero. Intramural bowling.

Beer Pong

If you thought this was serious even for one-half second, then you are a consummate douchebag and should have your intramural rights revoked forever and maybe punched in the face, which leads us to…

Boxing              

You cannot tell me that you have never walked down the South Oval, been at Campus Corner, or sat in class and thought, “Man, I’d really love to smoke that kid in the face with a jab-hook combo.” Here is your chance. Intramural boxing would revive a dying sport, one that our grandparents used to love to sit around and watch, while also giving athletes a chance to release aggression they have pent up over the course of a semester in a school sanctioned fashion. You can play with puppies on an oval during finals; I think I would prefer to give someone a swift uppercut to the jaw. In all honesty, I would never compete in intramural boxing because I am a sane human being and I dislike being struck in the face with other people’s hands. However, I would be extremely interested in watching my friends and classmates pound on each other’s mandibles for 12 2-minute rounds for a handful of points. I would pay money to watch one, and only one, intramural event—that event is intramural boxing.

Quidditch             

As an Odyssey writer and man of the people, I feel a deontological push from deep within my soul to represent all of the people. Weirdos need exercise too. Give us what we want.