The true steps to success if you want to inhabit the Oval office. Two words: sex scandal

Most kids growing up want to be president at some point in their lives. It usually falls right between the astronaut and the firefighter. So, what’s stopping you from making these childhood dreams a reality? Nothing! Just follow these simple steps and you’ll be there in no time.

Scandal

Not the TV show (although you might as well give in and watch it, already), but an actual scandal. No good president ever got anywhere without creating one. Do you know anything at all about James Garfield? Probably not (he was our 20th president). Do you remember Richard Nixon? Again, probably not. Nixon might have had to leave office, but his name went on the books and in every every form of media, ever. Be a Nixon, not a Garfield.

Sex Scandal

Why settle for just any old scandal when yours could involve the scandal that would bring your name to the spotlight faster than you can say, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” That’s right, nothing will make you more famous than a Monica hanging out around the Oval office. Who remembers the men who were faithful to their wives and good husbands? We’ll never forget Clinton, though.

Drugs or Alcohol

Bringing up the past is sometimes hard. But it’s harder if you have something to be ashamed about. Every great president got himself into some kind of trouble in his younger years. Sure, stealing a car will get you some infamy, but it will also land you in jail. 43 and Barry O. became that much more infamous because of their hard pasts. We could relate to them and then they were that much cooler. Not only that, they owned up to their past and weren’t ashamed. That’s the kind of president we need in office. We’re Americans, we’re not ashamed of anything.

Be Rich

Let’s face it, no one wants you to run our country if you’ve declared bankruptcy more than once in your life. The American people are probably not going to trust you (sorry, Donald Trump). At the same time, Americans hate entitled people. So you need to tread the line lightly. You can’t flaunt your richness, but not having money means that you’re basically out as a presidential candidate. Let’s face the facts, presidential races are a spending game and if you don’t have the money, don’t even bother entering the race.

Make Sure Your Approval Rating Steadily Drops 

If there is one thing that happens to every president, it’s the moment his approval rating drops (usually below 30 percent). It’s the only way to really know you’re doing your job correctly. At some point, you have to do something really unpopular and make sure the American people loathe you. For your sake, though, make sure it’s something they’ll regret later. Pull a 41 and raise taxes against the American people’s desires and be the primary reason your successor has a balanced budget in his presidential term. Of course, then he’ll get most of the credit, but you served your country well. You only got one term, but then he (Clinton) created the biggest sex scandal in presidential history. Best way to prove you should never vote a Bush out of office.

Watch House Of Cards

If you haven’t already caught on with this trend, what are you doing with your life? It’s unacceptable. The only way to redeem yourself is to skip all your obligations, stay home for two weeks and binge Netflix on this show. You can disregard the entire rest of this article, but do not disregard this. This is the most important thing you will ever do in your college career. Watch Frank Underwood and do everything that he does… politically, at least. His personal life is a freak show. If you can be a politician like Frank Underwood, I’m pretty sure you can easily rule the world.  Sure, most people will hate you, but you’re president so do you really care?

So, there you have it. This is a step by step guide to your race to the White House. Remember, we’re counting on you to be the first president from Oklahoma. Make DBo proud and be sure to give me credit in your inaugural speech.