If you don’t know where to eat tonight on Campus Corner, have no fear, this article offers an interesting form of aid. Comparing restaurants to US Presidents to make your decision…easier?

Next time you go out to eat on Campus Corner, think not what your food could do for you, but what president you wish your food reminded you of. Or of that really weird Odyssey article you read online last week. It’s your civic duty.

I know exactly what you’re thinking, so I’ll just say it: How did I live so long without a comprehensive list of restaurants on Campus Corner matched with US Presidents? Wait no longer, all two readers, because it has arrived. Next time you cannot decide where to eat for any meal in Norman, stop thinking about the food you want and think of your favorite president instead. I hope this helps. But I doubt it will. Nothing ever does.   

Hideaway               

Obviously, Hideaway is Ronald Reagan. Everyone loves Hideaway. Everyone loves Ronald Reagan. As a matter of fact, so many people love Hideaway/Reagan that it is considered entirely unfashionable and weird to not love Hideaway/Reagan. You don’t love Hideaway pizza and fried mushrooms and ranch dressing? You don’t love trickle down economics, the war on drugs, the Miracle on Ice OR WINNING THE COLD WAR? If you denied affinity for any of them, you are a scooby Communist and you don’t deserve to eat delicious pizza or to know whom Herb Brooks is. This is the easiest comparison on the list.  

Seven 47

The only place a Kennedy would eat on Campus Corner would be Seven, so the obvious choice is John F. Kennedy. Handsome. Rich. Brunch. JFK747.  

Chimy’s             

Chimy’s is the kind of place you eat when you just don’t care what anyone else in the world thinks about you. Honestly, no president has ever cared less about what the world thinks about him than George W. Bush. From winning the presidency in a sketchy vote recount in the sketchiest of all states (Florida), to refusing to ever learn how to properly pronounce the word “nuclear,” it only makes sense that ‘Dubya’ compares favorably—if not identically—to the only restaurant on Campus Corner where you can eat 3 chimichangas for less than 20 bucks. It is the best greasy Tex-Mex for your dollar on campus, and there is no finer citizen of God’s gift to America than Texan and 43rd US President, George W. Bush.   

Sugar’s             

Two things: 1) Sugar’s supposedly has a meatloaf buffet. 2) Any time you can put meatloaf buffet and Bill Clinton in the same sentence, you do it. You just do it. Bill Clinton is specifically the Sugar’s meatloaf buffet, but I’m sure you all knew that before you read the article.   

Pepe Delgado’s

William Henry Harrison is on the list because I know very little about him. Similarly, I know very, very little about Pepe Delgado’s. Harrison is the president famous for being inaugurated, catching a cold, and dying 30 days later. Pepe Delgado’s is famous for being a restaurant that no one in the history of Norman has ever eaten at before. Both present interesting questions, like “Why does that president have three first names?” and “How can a restaurant stay in business if no one ever walks in or out of the front door? Is there a small group of people that live inside Pepe Delgado’s and eat every meal there? Do they have their own government? Do the people who eat at Pepe Delgado’s exist outside of Pepe Delgado’s?” Having never met anyone who has eaten there, or met anyone who has met anyone who has eaten there, I would like an answer to these kind of hard-hitting questions.   

T.E.A. Café             

Clearly Richard Nixon. Strap in, homies, because it’s time for a little history lesson featuring good old Tricky Dick. Sure, you all know Richard Nixon for lying to all of America during Watergate and having the tremendously large and droopy jowls of a 69 year-old bulldog. However, the man also formalized our relationship with China, a move that allowed our great nation to trade openly with the Ancient Kingdom, and by extension also allow for you to eat as much orange chicken as you possibly can in one sitting. Without Richard Nixon, you couldn’t eat a rice box or drink one of those weird boba teas with the chewy balls in it that you probably just choked on and spit everywhere. Thank you, Richard Nixon, for my lo mein and for my fake NBA jerseys.    

O’Connell’s 

Theodore Roosevelt. There is no manlier restaurant on Campus Corner, and there has never been a manlier US President. Honestly, I do not know if I have ever seen a woman in O’Connell’s who did not work there. Roosevelt played a key role in revitalizing the nation’s men at the turn of the 20th Century, turning them from girly-man book readers to manly lumberjacks and steel tycoons. He helped make football into what it is today, had a prolific boxing career, and sweet lord of lip-fur, could the man grow a mustache. O’Connell’s and Teddy Roosevelt serve as reminders of what the world once was and could be again: a world without salads, a world without helmet-to-helmet penalties, or really football helmets at all, and a world with really great lip lettuce.