Being a girl, I grew up with a set of restrictions, rules, and norms- some said, some just understood. I would hear things like, “No, that place isn’t safe after 7 p.m., take so and so with you.” That “so and so” was, of course, a male who was to be my "body guard" against potential assailants lurking about to get me. The world was presented as a dangerous place… especially for girls. There were many times when I wanted to go out with my guy friends but was not allowed to because my parents did not trust them or because it was 9 p.m. and too late for a girl to be staying out of the house. I remember walking into a store in Pakistan once, wearing the traditional shalwaar kameez. My mom was talking to one of the salesmen, while the other stared at me with vulture-like eyes like he had been starving for days and I was some piece of meat. He looked at me like he could literally see through my skin into my bones. I tried hiding behind my mom, but the guy changed his position to regain a better view. I had never been looked at that way before, and so I quickly left the store and sat in the car. My mom noticed I was upset about something when she came back and asked what was wrong. And I just started crying…

I haven’t forgotten the way that guy was looking at me till this day. That experience made me question what I had done wrong. I was in modest clothing- fully covered besides my hair. Then it made me question why the hell I was questioning myself and not that sick man.

The personal experience I shared above is only a fraction and a lot milder version of a far more serious problem that females face every day; yet even this experience left me a little scarred, scared, and confused. As society continues to change its norms and values to liberate people and push them towards greater freedom, somehow women still seem to be bound by invisible shackles. The reason for this is the way we look at our problems. Rape has been ingrained in our society as a predominantly “female issue” or sometimes even a norm- often overlooked and perceived as impossible to overcome because somehow “men are just the way they are” and so it is women who must alter their lifestyles in accordance to them. As the increased prevalence of rape cases demands us to acknowledge its gravity in society, it is important for us to present correct solutions by shifting our focus from those who have the potential to be attacked to those who have the potential to attack.

In a patriarchal society that traces its roots to ancient history, it is a set mentality to view women as subordinate to men. This imbalance between the sexes requires men to be aggressive and violent in order to maintain their dominance and masculinity. According to the sociocultural theory derived by many researchers, rape is just another way men as a group safeguard their dominance over women. This theory contends that the act of rape among men is not incited by any sort of sexual provocation from the woman through conduct or appearance, but rather a skewed expectation of the male role in society. Many researchers challenge this theory by claiming that rape is the cause of man’s innate desire to continue the species by impregnating as many women as possible. Assuming this absurd claim holds true, rapists would be expected to choose females who signaled signs of fertility that are denoted by health, youth, attractiveness etc as their counterparts. However, there is no concrete evidence to show that young women in miniskirts are more likely to be raped than older women in burkas. According to a little research I did, US rape statistics show that more than a quarter of rape victims are under the age of twelve and not able to reproduce. This evidence further proves that the idea of correlating rape with reproduction, fertility and provocativeness is indeed faulty.

The second most popular theory is that rapists are essentially helpless against the whims of their own bodies and minds through illnesses categorized into 3 groups: physical, psychological and social. Physical illnesses would include chemical abnormalities, paraphilic type diseases and hormonal imbalances. Psychological illnesses stem from negative childhood experiences like abuse and neglect. Social factors, which to me seem like the biggest cause, include exposure to various kinds of media (like pornography), that deliver a distorted message to male viewers that “women are passive, even willing, partners in their own exploitation, and that men are entitled to unconditional use of women’s bodies for their own pleasure” – as described perfectly by Mary E. Williams.

With the information aforementioned, it is clear that rape is not the result of uncontrollable, animalistic urges that men have, but rather a WRONG mindset that has been amidst society for way too long. With this in mind, it only makes sense to approach the issue in a different manner to a different group of people. By telling women to uphold certain expectations, we can only avoid the probability of rape instead of stopping rape itself. In order to rid society of this plague, we must talk about such issues as openly and as frequently with our boys as we do with our girls. Start young by ensuring that the boys of your family understand that females and males alike are to be respected and treated with dignity and that it is NOT okay to assume a female is inviting any kind of sexual activity because of what she wears. Another important thing is to make males more sensitive to the media and actively aware of the distortion it portrays; to make them realize of the consequences and the suffering a victim of sexual assault goes through. But most importantly, it is to make men understand that masculinity is not only about exercising strength, but about treating everyone as human and with the dignity which every human deserves.

We can learn a great lesson from an account of the Prophet of Islam:

The Prophet Muhammad (peach be upon him), was travelling with a man named Al-Fadl ibn Abbas, when they came across a woman from the tribe of Khath'am. She wanted to ask the Prophet a question, and while she asked, Al-Fadl could not help but stare at her for she was very beautiful. The Prophet noticed Al-Fadl’s gaze and held out his hand backwards and caught his chin and turned his face (to the other side in order that he should not gaze at her) and continued to answer her question. (Sahih Al Bukhari Volume 8, Book 74 [Asking Permission], Number 247:Narrated by 'Abdullah bin 'Abbas (al Fadl's brother)

The Prophet did not tell the woman that her appearance was indecent or too tempting, nor did he tell her to change her clothing, or cover her face. He averted Al-Fadl’s impolite stare, because he knew the sanctity of a woman’s dignity and honor and the responsibility he had to safeguard it as a man and a fellow human-being.